For many of us, hiding parts of our lives has been part of our survival strategy for so long now, that we can no longer recall a time when we didn’t have secrets. What we didn’t realize, was that our secrets behave like pathogens. Over time, the narratives that we construct around those secrets contaminate every part of our being.

Most of us have never really known what an honest, safe, emotionally intimate relationship was supposed to look like, but we longed for some kind of interpersonal connection nonetheless.

As the pain began to snowball, we may have reacted in ways that seem to be dramatically different from others. Perhaps we became calloused and withdrawn with those we claimed to care about most. Or we might have clung desperately to anyone who offered us something that resembled a prospective love.

Whatever our response, the secrets we hold always find a way to re-emerge in our bonds. Our shame eventually consumes us, and when we look in the mirror, we struggle to believe that someone worthy of love is looking back at us. We are “trapped”.

Fear inevitably erodes our ability to love and be loved, but the demand for connection never subsides. It only grows.

When we do not know that we are wholly lovable, we resort to using a different tactic to meet our need for social connection. The manipulation begins. We may surrender to toxic companions. We may lie, cheat, or use others. We may withhold the things that others want and need. We may threaten to harm ourselves or our family. We may get angry and violent.

We have tried to overcome shame by pursuing praise, piety, power, success, vanity and more. We may cope with our isolation with substances, pornography, food, or other obsessions. But we are always empty. Always secretly afraid.

For a great number of us, this is the only way we have ever known. We may feel that life has dealt us an unfair hand. We may be blaming others to distract us from confronting our own self-hatred. All that we are really certain of, is that we cannot find our way out. If we have children, we shudder to think that they may never escape the environment we have provided them.

This is a common internal experience among those of us who are subjected to the intergenerational cycle of abuse. A mostly silent “disease” that has been destroying individuals, families, and communities in this country and around the world, for centuries.

Intervention groups at Family Lifeline are sacred spaces where those who have been impacted by physical, sexual, emotional, and other forms of abuse will discover real connections for the first time. Most importantly, we will uncover a connection to our authentic self.

During this process, we may need to become accountable for things that we have done that have hurt other people. Some of our victims are the very ones we care most about. Even the idea that we may one day confess these things may feel impossible right now…

Letting empathy in can be a scary experience at first. Though shame has been a constant companion, it has distorted our vision. True accountability requires a clear-eyed understanding of not only “what” but “why” we have wounded ourselves and others. In order to do this, we have to first plant our feet solidly upon the true, infinite, unchanging value of our being.

The very second we take these first vital steps, we are transforming our fortunes. With this act, we are breaking the cycle, sharing the weight of our burdens and shielding the dreams of our children. Though the work we do at Family Lifeline can be difficult, our bounty is far greater than the sacrifices- For our families, for our partners, for our community, and for ourselves.

When we finally make peace with the path left behind us, only then will we be ready to navigate the road ahead.

Every journey begins with a determination to move…

Yours will start the moment you let someone know that you can’t do this alone anymore.

Help is here. All you have to do right now is ask for it.

May your future be free from secrets or shame. May you recover the ability to love without control or fear.

No matter what you are living with, Family Lifeline is ready to help you overcome it.

No one should be afraid to go home.